“Is it a sin to be the way God has created me?”
“Why did it take me several years to discern and approve my true self?”
“When I took so long to embrace my reality, how can I expect my own people to accept me in a few days?”
I was in class nine when I got my first proposal. I was shy, apprehensive, nervous and at the same time, thrilled as well.
I was a loner in the world where every girl around me was involved with some or the other guy. The boy who proposed to me came as my Knight in Shining Armour.
“Now, I too will have lovey-dovey tales to talk about. Now, I won’t feel left out. Now, nobody would laugh at me calling me the odd one out.”
Though the day I accepted the proposal, I was on cloud nine. But, I was elated not because I wished to have a boyfriend and now I too had one, but because, now I too had become like one of them.
Social acceptance, peer pressure, and an urge to be like one of them landed me in a relationship that my heart never craved for.
I never felt comfortable in his company. I never felt attracted to him or for that matter, to any guy. He was super cute, gave me ample time to adjust to his company but I could never.
“He is so cute and patient with me. He wants to talk to me but, I become mute in his company. Is it like this with all the girls or is it only me? Why do I feel queasy when he sits near me? Whom should I talk to, God? Am I normal or not?”
Things crossed the limit when he tried to kiss me. I felt like puking. I couldn’t tolerate his touch. I punched him hard on his nose and ran away. “What did I do today? He sought my permission before kissing me. Why did I hit him so hard?” Embarrassed, I didn’t go to school for the next few days. The day I entered my class after that day, my classmates gave me bizarre looks.
“How could you hit him so badly, he fractured his nose?”, accused one of my classmates.
“He just asked for a kiss, he didn’t force himself upon you. If you were not willing, you could have said so, why did u hit him?”, accused another.
“Poor boy, he never wanted to be with you. We asked him to take the chance, our bad”, disclosed one of his friends.
“Oh, God! Did I hit him so hard that he fractured his nose? Why did I do that? I was happy being single, why did I land myself into this mess? I shouldn’t have accepted his proposal in the first place.”
I was disheartened. My classmates made a distance from me. I again became a loner. I apologized to him when he returned to school. But, things never got back to normal.
I requested my dad for a change of school and I changed school in XI class. In the new school also, things were the same. Owing to the age, every girl was with some or the other guy. There were couples all around and I was single.
I always found myself uneasy whenever any guy approached me, even if it be for a simple handshake. The company of guys made me scornful.
“However much anyone would say anything, I won’t accept any proposal. I goofed up the last time. I simply don’t like being in the company of guys. And dating means kissing, touching which I can’t tolerate even a bit. So, let me just concentrate on my studies. Isn’t it, God?”
Gradually, I realised I had no inkling of the opposite gender. I found a soulmate in a girlfriend of my college.
After 5 years, I realised that I am a lesbian. I started enjoying my life with her.
“How will I disclose my sexual orientation to my parents and family? Will they ever accept me? God! please show me the path.”
But, nothing was in my hands. It was beyond my control. With time, marriage proposals started coming. My parents were enthusiastic about my marriage. They would discuss my preferences. No response from my side made them feel that I was a shy, introverted girl.
Then, one day, I mustered all the courage and disclosed my sex preferences during dinner time when my parents, brother and grandma all were sitting together.
Shocked! Appalled! baffled! They all turned mute. My granny asked, ” What does she mean? Is she ill? Does she need any treatment?” My parents didn’t utter a word but the next day, I found myself sitting in the cabin of a psychiatrist. Thereafter,Â I was at a gynae’s clinic.
It was certainly not me who needed any treatment and doctors admitted it soon. It was my parents who needed convincing.
When I turned 27, marriage proposals and the pressure of marrying me from relatives were at their peak. I was unable to withstand the embarrassed stilettos of my parents. I requested them to send me abroad where such relations were quite common. They didn’t agree. They tried to convince me for marriage.
One day, we went to a marriage. There, an aunty came and asked me, “So, when is your turn? When are we going to hear your wedding bells ring?” Annoyed of hearing this question time and again, frustrated with looking at the dejected faces of my family, I decided to end the topic for once and all.
I declared, “Actually, never aunty. Thanks for your concern but no thanks because I am a lesbian.” Aunty and other guests stood there flabbergasted. My brother cheered for me and my bold step. My mom held my hand, kissed it, looked into my eyes as if to say that she understood and was there for me. My dad too joined her.
For the first time since I declared about being lesbian, my dad openly affirmed in front of everyone around, “It’s her life and we should allow her to live it the way she wants. My whole family is with her.” “Thank you, God!! I am so happy today. My parents supported me openly in front of all without feeling embarrassed. Now, I have no regrets. I am a happy soul now”
Now, I am 29 years old, ready to join a company in the US. My brother is married. My parents will accompany me to the US and will stay there till I am completely settled.