Being a person who can hardly share her emotions and feelings with people, I’ve gone through an inner battle relentlessly. I’ve been a person who always puts her closest ones at the top of her priority list. This behaviour of mine has made me to understand the term “breakdown”. In literal terms, “breakdown” means something which breaks down into two or multiple pieces. A mental or emotional breakdown is something that is followed by an ache in your heart.
Despite being around my loved ones, when I don’t find anyone to hold me, a breakdown exists. During the process, I allow myself to express and feel everything nevertheless it is followed by a series of pauses, more pauses and I’m left numb and with a pain in my heart, realizing that the home for my emotions is my heart. Letting them out has no choice.
My hands do expose my fear and grief. On days like these, my hands leave me behind miles. I couldn’t feel them as mine anymore. They remind me of all the aches I’m concealing to let me know pretending is for a little while, the void in your heart is for ages, allowing me a new breakdown with old existing aches.
Holding myself together for so long, today is just one more day to end up with a series of bad days. I know I’ll get through this, as I did, but the existing moments never fail to break me down, so hard that I remain still.
Also, my hands never fail to brace me with my anxiety. The moment I feel my hands leave me, they start shaking and I don’t know what actually happens, what I know for sure is, to be able to function in a normal way, I do lose myself.
No matter how much I try to heal myself. this void in my heart brings me back to the low period and a new breakdown exists.